Find your Kojima name with my simple 11-page form | Unraveled BONUS

Find your Kojima name with my simple 11-page form | Unraveled BONUS


Hideo Kojima’s games are known for tackling
complex ideas. From delving into the nuances of the human psyche, to figuring out how much
Norman Reedus needs to pee. But I’m not here to discuss or explain any of the plotlines
in Kojima’s games. I am here to talk about Kojima’s names. Kojima has written quite a
few games, and in nearly every single one of them, the characters are given just the
most wild-ass names possible. Death Stranding is perhaps the most obvious example of this wack-namery. But that’s just because Kojima has had his hands in nearly every aspect of development. And because no one has had the guts to say, “Hey, Kojima, you can’t just
name a dude Die-Hardman.” But he’s been doing this for years. How could we forget such wonderful names as Dirty Duck, Hot Coldman, Naked Snake, or perhaps the wildest character in any Kojima game… Hideo Kojima. It might seem impossible to have the naming talent that blesses Kojima’s magical mind, but I’ve done the research, and I have developed a Hideo Kojima Name Generator. What’s more, I’ve developed it so that you can find exactly what your name would be if
you were in a Kojima game. After taking all of the names of all of the characters, I was able to dissect the purposes of each of his names. And that’s the thing about Kojima names.
They all serve a purpose. The main difficulty with creating a Kojima name generator is that I couldn’t just build a wordbank full of things like Machinegun, Snake, Deadman, because that would be detached. Impersonal. In order to find a Kojima name, I need to know the person who is gaining this name. And you, the viewer, are gaining it. So we need input. I’ll explain the process as I myself go through it. And I know that Kojima games can seem a little
convoluted and extra, but this process is extremely simple. All you need is a full set of RPG dice, and an easy to fill out 11-page worksheet that you can download in the description below. Section 1. Determining how many names you have. Kojima often creates characters
that have A LOT of different names. First thing we gotta do is roll a d6. And that is a 6, so that means I will have one name plus six other alternate names. I’ll be doing this
worksheet for a while. Section 2. Personal Information. Every Kojima name is a representation
of a character fully formed. So I need to input some details of my own life in order
to get a name that fits who I am. What is your full name?
Brian David Gilbert. What do you do at your occupation? I produce videos that are
vaguely related to video games. I just condense that to one word. Producer. What was your first pet’s specific species
or breed? I had a fish named Michael Thomason and it was a Rainbow Shark. What’s your most
embarrassing childhood memory? Uh… In 7th grade I was in a production of Beauty and
the Beast, and at one point our Belle missed her costume change, and so I had to stand
out and basically ad lib for what felt like an hour. Earlier that week, I had heard my
more mature friend say a joke that I did not realize was sexual, and so I said that joke
while I was on stage, and I saw a whole crowd of middle school parents all go *uncomfortable noise* So I think that one counts. Condense this story into two words: Lewd Improvisation. What is the object you’d least like to be stabbed by? Trident. It’s like three stabs at once. What is something you’re good at? Jumping. How many carrots do you believe you
could eat in one sitting, if someone, like, forced you to eat as many carrots as possible? *thinking intensely* I’m gonna say 16. What is your greatest intangible fear? This is a pretty heavy one. I guess my greatest fear would be, like, not being able to remember
my loved ones, and just like, losing that sense of self. So probably, I guess it would just be memory loss, is probably my greatest intangible fear. Nine, what is your greatest
tangible fear? HORSES. What is the last thing you did before starting this worksheet? Started a recording. What condition is your body currently in? I just ate a whole lot of cottage cheese,
so I’m feeling a little bloated. Favorite state of matter? Liquid. A word your name kind of sounds like? If your name’s Jenny, it could be Penny. If your name’s Travis… It could be Starfish. Mine’s Brian so it’ll probably just be Brain. Zodiac sign? Aquarius. If you had to define your personality in one word, what would it be? I don’t ac… I didn’t
actually plan this one out. Do you have any suggestions, Jenna? Jenna: Ooooh, this is a lot of pressure. Probably say, like, pedantic. Pedant. Pedant. Pedant is a very good word. We’re moving on to Section 3,
which is Kojima information. Hideo Kojima cannot help himself when it comes
to including his own obsessions and idiosyncrasies into every facet of his writing. Who is your favorite film character? Note: it must be played by Kurt Russell. MacReady from The Thing. What is the last word of the title of your favorite Kubrick film? Orange. What is the first word in the title of your favorite Joy Division album? I don’t know a shhhjjjjjjanything
about Joy Division. I’m gonna find this right now. Unknown, I’m going with Unknown. What is a scientific term you picked up from listening to NPR once? Uh, I’ll go with CRISPR. Which I think has something to do with DNA. And… it doesn’t matter if I know what it means
because it’s a cool sounding word. What is a piece of military hardware you think looks
cool even though war is bad? Railguns. What is something you’d enjoy watching Mads Mikkelsen do? Uh, you’ve got a whole, a good space to really fill this one out. I’d enjoy waking up one day and coming out to see Mads Mikkelsen in my kitchen just sweeping up, uh, some,
some spilled cheerios. And then he, he looks up at me and he gives me that “Aren’t I so clumsy?” smile. I think that’s what I’d enjoy watching Mads Mikkelsen do. Condense into one word: Cheerio. Now that we’ve got our fodder, we can move on to Section 4. Determining your name’s conditions. Sometimes a Kojima character will have a plot-based condition that affects their name. The -Man condition. Roll a d4. That’s a 4. My last name will include
the suffix -man. The Condition Condition. Roll a d8. I do not have this. If I did, I would have had to put something like “Big” or “Bloated.” The Clone Condition. This one’s interesting because sometimes Kojima characters will be cloned from someone else, or will
be the mental doppelgänger through brainwashing of a different character, and for some reason
that means their name also has to have a part of the person they were cloned from’s name? I’m rolling a d12. And that means I’m not a clone. And finally, the Kojima condition.
If you roll a d100 and get a 69, congratulations, you are Hideo Kojima. I am not Hideo Kojima. Section 5! Determining your name category. There are 7 different name categories, and
I’m just gonna explain all of them because, again, I have one name plus 6 alternate names,
so I’m gonna have to go through them all. Normal Name. Kojima’s early work includes
a lot of characters that are widely considered to have normal names. Things like Policenauts
and Snatcher just have people names. I think, again, this is because Kojima was young enough that people could still tell him to chill the fuck out. Occupational name. Kojima’s characters tend to be driven by the work that they do. And now you, too, can be nothing
more than your job. Horny name. Kojima’s characters and stories are irrevocably horny. They might not be your sense of horny, but they are horny nonetheless. “The” name. Kojima loves to have
characters that have “The” at the beginning of their name, and then they tend to symbolize
fears or unstoppable forces. Cool name. Kojima really cares about being cool. And his idea
of cool might not be yours, but if it’s cool to him, that’s all that matters. Violent name.
Threatening and intense. And finally, a name that lacks subtext. Is this a metaphor for
something? No. It just… it just is exactly what it is. It’s just what it’s… You-it’s just
that. So let’s roll a d20 and see what name I have as my main one. That is a The name. So we just gotta skip to Section 9. Alright, so this name will be symbolic of a fear that
most people have. So my first name is “The” and then I just gotta roll a d4. And that means my answer is number… Section 2, Number 4a. And then I gotta add all of the conditions
that I accrued in Section 4. So my name is now, The… *exasperated noise* My name is
The Lewd Improvisationman. That’s fucking spot on. Now I just gotta do this 6 more times. Brian David Gilbert. Big Brain Producer. Aquarius Rainbow Shark. Cheerio CRISPR. Horses Trident. Started a Recordingman. And with all of my names complete, it’s time to go to Section 13. Explaining your name. Kojima’s characters know that their names have meaning, and boy oh boy do they want to tell you all about it. So this section will give you a chance
to prepare your explanatory monologue for any time you meet a new friend or foe or shadowy
government institution. *Metal Gear Codec noises* And there we go. We’ve generated your Kojima name. I’ve already tried this out on all my coworkers,
and the results have been fantastic. These names are so much more than
just Kojima names. They’re… they’re names that represent my coworkers as they currently are. They’re meaningful
in a way that a given name cannot be. Because these are determined by your being. You are no longer defined by a name that was given to you as a child and you are free to manifest
your own true nature with a name you create. You mustn’t allow yourself to be chained to fate… My normal name
might be Brian David Gilbert. But you might know me
as The Lewd Improvisationman. Or Cheerio CRISPR. Or Aquarius Rainbow Shark, but only close friends can
call me Horses Trident. Jenna: What was the joke! Brian: It was somebody talking about
having a sleepover, but not getting that much sleep. Me thinking, like, yeah! ‘Cause you’re
hanging out all night! You’re having a fun time with your friends… It was bad. Jenna: Adorable.
Brian: Yeah.

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